continued from Precious Baby Part 3...
13 January 2007...
Doctors told me I'd be shifted back to ward 2B before lunch, but right after the rounds they did, a nurse came in smiling and asked "Puan dah boleh balik ward ya?" I smiled back and said yes. She immediately took off my catheter [ooh i hate dat part, d thingy stings!! even weeks after dat!] and another nurse pulled a wheel chair in. I was like, "Eh, dah boleh naik sekarang ke?" the nurses smile and told me the doctor already told em to prepare my shifting. After cleaning what needs to be cleaned, they helped me sit on the wheel chair. It was 8 am. They prepared the final documents, and I was ready to be transfered. one nurse was saying loudly, "Pn Iza kalau saya pergi butik bagi discount ya" I was like 'Mana plak diorang tau aku ada butik ni' then i remembered my Red Card [preggie moms must haf one] i'd written 'Pengurus Butik' as my job. hehe. i really don't know what my real job is [in Khayra's birth cert lagi plak, Suri Rumah huh bosan sungguh].
I was smiling all d way when they pushed me up. i think every nurses i met along d wat were thinking, 'dia ni tak sakit ke?'. Well of course i'm smiling, I'm gonna see my baby soon. I SMS Azam to come over ASAP [he must've been a bit annoyed with all those SMSes disturbing his sleep hehe].
When I reached the ward I was happy to see my familiar roommates' faces. Kak As and Kak Rose especially. it seemed Kak As has also delivered her 3rd baby the same day as I did but in the morning, Baby Nabil Ashrafi [whom later gave me a hard time to sleep, hehe] and Kak Rose who's been in the ward for 2 months and still waiting for her time to go under C-Section for Placenta Previa [really pity her, dah takdek life duduk spital]. The other bed, patients came n went, bersalin normal usually bleh balik d same day or early next morning, untung badan. I was greeted happily by Kak As n Kak Rose and we exchanged all our experiences and when they asked where's my baby i was almost into tears when i told em what happened to her. And almost that instant Azam came in, and asked if i'm ready to see Khayra. Forgetting my wound, I got up almost immediately, OUCH! and Azam went out to get a wheel chair.
He pushed my down to NICU [Neonatal Intensive Care Unit]. I was so nervous, in my mind i had various pictures of how my baby would lie down in there with drips on her... and how small she would look like... When we reach the NICU we hadta take off our shoes and wear provided slippers [i didn't hafto, i had only socks] and sanitize our hands with a special sanitizer, and wear plastic apron. There were so many babies, mostly very very very small in size, they were in incubators, ventilators but some are only in a normal bassinet but most of them had drips on. Some haf UV lights on top of em. The nurses here wears the same blue uniform as they wear in OT and Labour Room, the ones in wards wear the normal white ones. I watched one by one babies as Azam wheeled me to one corner of the huge room. And from far i could sense my baby is nearer to me. Motherly instinct, yes we do haf it, no one can deny dat. When we reached Khayra...
She's small... wrapped in a green blanket, sleeping calmly in a bassinet. I was afraid to touch her. My heart was throbbing fast, i want to smile but i also feel sad, seeing her like that. She's been birthed 2 days but had never felt a mother's hug. Azam called her name and she responded waggling her limbs. As if knowing what I was thinking, a nurse asked me if i want to breastfeed her. I said "Can I?" she said "Of course" and she put Khayra in my lap, for the first time, I was so happy and was already in tears. We went to the breastfeeding room and I get to breastfeed her for the 1st time! No, I can't describe the feeling, not in words. We took pictures of her as so many people are waiting to see how she looks like, her grannies, her aunties and uncles... but cameras are actually prohibited in NICU, we brought it anyway, hehe. We spent about half an hour there in NICU, as lunch time has already arrived, I hadta get back to the ward. I kissed Khayra goodbye and promised her I'd be back in the evening. The nurse put her back into her bassinet and i cried as Azam wheeled me out of NICU, unwanting to be parted from my Precious.
at 2.00 pm a nurse told me Khayra has been given her 1st BCG immunisation. Azam went back home to pick Jazz up who hasn't seen me for 2 days, and brought Mein n Ateem along. When they arrived we went back to NICU, with Mein, Jazz n Ateem waiting outside the room. Reaching Khayra, we were shocked to see her back on drip. I went out to check on Jazz, and Oh My God Jazz's lips was bleeding quite badly, Main told me she fell while running around the waiting room. I hurried Azam who were still inside to see about it Azam was a bit angry with Jazz and said he'll bring her to Emergency later. As Khayra's condition isn't dat good we went back in. The peaditrician was there, and explained to us that her blood sugar level has dropped again and they were not too happy with that. She's not responding to the treatment so they had to get her back on drip and she is to be fed Nil by Mouth [fast]. She was explaining and explaining but i couldn't concentrate. I just asked how long will Khayra be fasting, she said until her blood sugar stables. Then I asked what causes it, she told me it's because of my blood pressure, my own blood sugar level wasn't enuff so she was deprived of it during the pregnancy. Yeap, I was the cause. I was devastated... i can't breastfeed her again... until she's stable and I caused her to be in that condition. The peaditrician told me to pump my milk and keep it in storage so once she can be fed, they can give her the breastmilk. I only nodded. Azam was asking if its because i was stressed out since I was doing my final semester and stuffs to the doctor but she said no, usually this kinda thingy is genetic.
I wheeled myself to Khayra and stare at her weak body for a long long time. I didn't respond to Azam's callings, because i was in tears again. I know i had to be rational that all happenings are beyond my control and it's God's will, but still I can't help thinking dat I am still the cause. Azam said let's go cus we haf another kid to worry about, Jazz is bleeding badly outside. Azam brought me back to d ward while he brought Jazz to emergency. Since it was the 1st day of my release, i had many visitors that evening. Achik, Mama, Papa & Kak Een. Ala kira many la tu kan hehe. Glad to see them. So glad. I really appreciate their company, at least i could share my burden with em, especially with Achik.
Jazzy n Azam came back to d ward at 7 pm. OMG she had one stitch on the lips! *sigh* My BP raised that evening, thinking too much of my babies. Azam kept on telling me not to think about it too much, and my roommates told me to stay calm. High BP means no going back home yet! That night I get to see Khayra again before Azam went back home. Like every other time, I'd cry everytime I see her small body on drip. This time I touched her all i want, I kissed her hand, I sang her lullaby and told her to get well soon.
14 January 2007... As predicted I can't go back home yet. my BP didnt chart nicely and my urine still has traces of albumin. it maybe resulted from worrying bout Khayra n Jazzy and also Nabil's crying last nite hehe i really dun wanna blame the baby but i really didn't sleep at all last nite. i got outta bed before anyone else in d ward does, i cleaned myself up as early as 6.00 am, i asked the nurses for a new gown before they even get to distribute it to the patients and while waiting for the doctor i read yesterday's newspaper that Azam left for me. Doctor pulled of my wound's plaster that morning and i laid down while chatting with my roommates and waiting for Azam to come and push me to NICU again to see Khayra. As usual, shoes off, hand sanitized and apron on. Khayra's bassinet has been moved, but she's now under UV light as she has jaundice. and nurses told us she could already be breastfed but not directly as the milk has to be limited to 10 ml or else she'd be overfed, so i hurriedly SMSed mama to bring a breastpump dat afternoon. I got a bit happier! We went upstairs to wait for the breastpump and pumped her milk for her afternoon feeding.
Along, Kak Een, Kak Cia, Syahril & Majidah also all their kids came visiting later on. After their visit we went to send Khayra's milk down to NICU. yes, u can imagine how my days were in the hospital. I was supposed to rest, recover, and gain strenght but i didn't do all dat. I went up n down to n fro NICU and ward, i cried a lot, i ddin't sleep... but at least after Khayra got better i was a bit relieved. I get to breastfeed Khayra again that night, before Azam went home, cus doctor has already pulled off her drip. Alhamdulillah! lega sangat dapat peluk Khayra lagi. I took the chance to really hug and caress her. She looked so calm and content. They limited the breastfeeding time to 20 mins, so i made full use of the 20 mins. Khayra sipped her milk nicely and i get to burp her for d first time. When I went back to the ward, I had my first good night's sleep, that i didn't woke up when nurse cam in to take my BP!
15 January 2007...
I could feel that it's gonna be a beautiful day. I woke up at 5.30 am and cleaned myself up. brushed my teeth, wiped my body with wet cloth, changed my hospital gown and as usual seat on the chair reading newspaper while having my no-salt breakfast. My albumin reading that morning has cleared up. my BP is fine. and during the rounds, doctor said, "ok, release her" i dunno whether to feel happy... or sad, cus Khayra's status is still unknown. They told me if Khayra's not discharged, they could arrange for a bed for me to be with Khayra in NICU. owh... ok, i didn't know dat and I so want that! So when Azam came later on we went to NICU and checked with the nurse if there's an empty bed for me there, but they told us... Khayra might be able to be discharged today if her jaundice level gets below 250. We hadta wait for the result and i was praying dat she'd be alright.
1.00 pm - Azam was handling my discharge and payment when mama called and asked if i want her to come over and help me carry the bags as i hafta carry d baby. i was like, "eh baby? baby bleh kluar ke?" mama said Azam already SMSed her dat both of us are discharged. Owh u can't imagine how happy i was! after disconnecting the call, I hurriedly changed into my own outfit and laid down. When Azam came, "uih, mana tau bleh balik? tak sabar-sabar" i chuckled as i told him mama called me and told me. It wasn't long when both mama n papa arrived and we picked Khayra up in NICU. i dressed her in her new ovesized t-shirt and pants and held her tightly home....
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